Ahhh history....
Everyone's got history...lots of it in many cases.
We feel trapped by our histories, burdened down by what has happened to us...
and by what we have done to ourselves as a result of stress and traumas.
All the events that upset our lives and put us on less than glorious paths in life...
and in the less than glorious ways we care for our bodies.
We feel like we are wading through an ugly endless swamp
and we are getting tired of dealing with it all.
While history matters...it is real...and powerful at times,
it is less helpful when it comes to getting better.
Sometimes, when I see that something is not working like it should, I take a different tack.
People spend so much time and energy trying to understand what has happened to them.
And that can be a good thing. But there is a season for everything.
When all that effort isn't giving you the results you need, it may be time for a new approach.
One approach that can really help is 'dropping history'.
So what would happen if we found a way to drop some of that history.
So much of our history is filled with defeat, self blame, unpleasant triggers and the like.
We go round and round and round....looping endlessly
until we have worn deep ruts in our minds and in our habits.
That gets discouraging! It goes nowhere!
Here is how I learned to drop history and free myself.
It started with a friendship that had faltered.
A certain person had offended and hurt me to no end.
I would not retaliate in kind, but I would tally up all the terrible things she did or said.
As time went by I began to seethe with resentment and hurt.
Many were the times when I self medicated with food or drink as a result.
Eventually the whole mess was taking up way too much room in my head.
I was stuck. The load just got heavier and more hurtful.
One day an image floated before my mind's eye.
I saw a large chalkboard and on it was written all the grievances that I had against her.
It was a very long list. I felt my anger and spitefulness arise once more. Pretty toxic stuff.
Then I saw a big eraser on the ledge of the chalkboard.
I had the thought of just simply erasing the whole tiresome list.
Making it clean...
'Who cares!?' a part of me cried. 'Who cares!?'
Some of that junk was 10 years old....Who cares!?
Wouldn't it just feel better to wash the slate clean?
In my mind's eye, I did just that! I wiped the board that day...
Over the next days and weeks when the memories returned to haunt me,
I wiped the board clean again and again and again. Day by day.
"Who cares about all that junk?! Not me!"
I learned to live without that history and all the misery that came with it.
I found myself feeling lighter and happier... Why hadn't I thought of this before?!
Had I forgiven her? Well, I suppose so...
I just wasn't interested in carting all that around anymore. It wasn't healthy...for me or her.
It soon occurred to me to drop history with other parts of my past...
"Who cares?!" became a kind of anthem.
In the end, I even learned to forgive myself! The greatest gift!
I honestly don't care what mistakes were made yesterday or last month or last year.
All that weighs me down and gets me no closer to my goals.
When you learn to drop history, your own good energy returns to you.
It is suddenly easy to change your life for the better.
Let the past go...
Living without history can be incredibly liberating!
Today is a good day....that is enough.
Why poison today with thoughts of yesterday?
You will be amazed at how much history can be dropped...
Take a chance...pick a starting point and try it for yourself!
I leave you with a quote from Marcus Aurelius:
"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Eating for Two
Recently I was talking with one of my students who is struggling with an eating disorder.
She is a highly disciplined young woman balancing her college studies with sports pursuits.
During the day she eats fresh, organic vegetarian fare...just perfect for her.
Yet she seems to have another side that really mystifies and troubles her.
In the evening a mood comes over her, she says. She is suddenly angry and brooding.
It happens every night. She then eats and drinks everything that she would normally refuse.
All of her good efforts during the day are thoroughly undone.
She is frustrated at her lack of self control. You can imagine the guilt and self blame that follows.
I asked if if she could recall when the problem started and what was going on in her life at the time.
It took a bit to tease out the details. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago, she said.
Nothing much was going on...studies, home life, friends...just the usual things.
So then I asked her about the angry mood that sweeps over her.
Did it remind her of anyone?
Male or female? Young or old? What was it that she ate or drank in the evenings?
Again...did it have the characteristics of a man or woman?
What kind of personality was at work?
A few moments later, her face lit up. She absolutely recognized the personality
as that of her grandfather, who had passed 4 years ago. Everything fit.
Her first reaction was shock and a bit of fear.
What was he doing here? He's supposed to be gone, right? Dead!
I asked her if they were on good terms before his passing...
"No, not really," she said firmly. It seemed that he had been quite a difficult man.
She wondered why he would be bothering her, interfering in her life this way.
As I considered her situation, I asked her to think about whether he might be signalling
his presence in this way. Not attacking or bothering her, but attempting to identify himself.
Perhaps he sought to make amends for things he had done while alive.
She was doubtful, but she agreed to try to test things...to observe and feel his angry presence
when it came over her that evening. And then, instead of eating or drinking, to ask him what
he wanted...why he came each evening...what they might do to patch things up so he could
move on in peace. Or, perhaps he was offering to guide and support her...
Many things are possible...just like in regular relationships.
Only now a person literally has the advantage of hind sight...
Many times we look back on things we wish we had handled in a better way.
Making amends beyond the grave is not so uncommon as people think...
As this young woman worked through her painful memories and made peace with her
grandfather, his personality softened and his visits, now less frequent, felt much better.
Her moodiness disappeared and her eating was back on track again.
In the end, it was just his way of reaching out to her...to get her attention.
Once they had established a connection and made their peace, the clues were no longer needed.
In the same way that some people will catch a whiff of lavender or rose for no apparent reason
and come to recognize it as the scent of a grandmother....come to touch in...food scents,urges
and cravings can be a signal that someone you know is trying to reach you.
This is sometimes a useful piece of the puzzle.
Rather than just criticising yourself when you eat or drink in a way that seems beyond your control
or against your best intentions, you might step back and observe your behavior for awhile.
Listen to your own language. In this case, she held the key to her own situation in saying that an
angry mood came over her each evening and made her eat or drink. That was quite literally
what was happening. She just needed a little nudge to recognize how true her casual words were.
Bear in mind we might also stumble simply because we're tired, stressed, undernourished
or lacking in some important nutrient. It's good to consider things from different points of view.
The proof is in the pudding, they say. Try one tool after another until you find the one that gets
results.
Always be patient and compassionate toward yourself. There are reasons for everything we do.
It may take a little time and ingenuity to untangle everything and that is alright, too.
We carry a lot of history in these bodies... They are deserving of our attention and love.
Be Well!
She is a highly disciplined young woman balancing her college studies with sports pursuits.
During the day she eats fresh, organic vegetarian fare...just perfect for her.
Yet she seems to have another side that really mystifies and troubles her.
In the evening a mood comes over her, she says. She is suddenly angry and brooding.
It happens every night. She then eats and drinks everything that she would normally refuse.
All of her good efforts during the day are thoroughly undone.
She is frustrated at her lack of self control. You can imagine the guilt and self blame that follows.
I asked if if she could recall when the problem started and what was going on in her life at the time.
It took a bit to tease out the details. Maybe 3 or 4 years ago, she said.
Nothing much was going on...studies, home life, friends...just the usual things.
So then I asked her about the angry mood that sweeps over her.
Did it remind her of anyone?
Male or female? Young or old? What was it that she ate or drank in the evenings?
Again...did it have the characteristics of a man or woman?
What kind of personality was at work?
A few moments later, her face lit up. She absolutely recognized the personality
as that of her grandfather, who had passed 4 years ago. Everything fit.
Her first reaction was shock and a bit of fear.
What was he doing here? He's supposed to be gone, right? Dead!
I asked her if they were on good terms before his passing...
"No, not really," she said firmly. It seemed that he had been quite a difficult man.
She wondered why he would be bothering her, interfering in her life this way.
As I considered her situation, I asked her to think about whether he might be signalling
his presence in this way. Not attacking or bothering her, but attempting to identify himself.
Perhaps he sought to make amends for things he had done while alive.
She was doubtful, but she agreed to try to test things...to observe and feel his angry presence
when it came over her that evening. And then, instead of eating or drinking, to ask him what
he wanted...why he came each evening...what they might do to patch things up so he could
move on in peace. Or, perhaps he was offering to guide and support her...
Many things are possible...just like in regular relationships.
Only now a person literally has the advantage of hind sight...
Many times we look back on things we wish we had handled in a better way.
Making amends beyond the grave is not so uncommon as people think...
As this young woman worked through her painful memories and made peace with her
grandfather, his personality softened and his visits, now less frequent, felt much better.
Her moodiness disappeared and her eating was back on track again.
In the end, it was just his way of reaching out to her...to get her attention.
Once they had established a connection and made their peace, the clues were no longer needed.
In the same way that some people will catch a whiff of lavender or rose for no apparent reason
and come to recognize it as the scent of a grandmother....come to touch in...food scents,urges
and cravings can be a signal that someone you know is trying to reach you.
This is sometimes a useful piece of the puzzle.
Rather than just criticising yourself when you eat or drink in a way that seems beyond your control
or against your best intentions, you might step back and observe your behavior for awhile.
Listen to your own language. In this case, she held the key to her own situation in saying that an
angry mood came over her each evening and made her eat or drink. That was quite literally
what was happening. She just needed a little nudge to recognize how true her casual words were.
Bear in mind we might also stumble simply because we're tired, stressed, undernourished
or lacking in some important nutrient. It's good to consider things from different points of view.
The proof is in the pudding, they say. Try one tool after another until you find the one that gets
results.
Always be patient and compassionate toward yourself. There are reasons for everything we do.
It may take a little time and ingenuity to untangle everything and that is alright, too.
We carry a lot of history in these bodies... They are deserving of our attention and love.
Be Well!
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