Eating for Two

Recently I was talking with one of my students who is struggling with an eating disorder.
She is a highly disciplined young woman balancing  her college studies with sports pursuits.
During the day she eats fresh, organic vegetarian fare...just perfect for her. 
Yet she seems to have another side that really mystifies and troubles her. 
In the evening a mood comes over her, she says.  She is suddenly angry and brooding.
It happens every night.  She then eats and drinks everything that she would normally refuse.
All of her good efforts during the day are thoroughly undone.
She is frustrated at her lack of self control.  You can imagine the guilt and self blame that follows.

I asked if if she could recall when the problem started and what was going on in her life at the time.
It took a bit to tease out the details.  Maybe 3 or 4 years ago, she said. 
Nothing much was going on...studies, home life, friends...just the usual things.

So then I asked her about the angry mood that sweeps over her. 
Did it remind her of anyone?
Male or female?  Young or old?   What was it that she ate or drank in the evenings?
Again...did it have the characteristics of a man or woman? 
What kind of personality was at work? 

A few moments later, her face lit up.  She absolutely recognized the personality
as that of her grandfather, who had passed 4 years ago.   Everything fit.
Her first reaction was shock and a bit of fear. 
What was he doing here?  He's supposed to be gone, right?  Dead!

I asked her if they were on good terms before his passing...
"No, not really,"  she said firmly.   It seemed that he had been quite a difficult man.
She wondered why he would be bothering her, interfering in her life this way.
As I considered her situation, I asked her to think about whether he might be signalling
his presence in this way. Not attacking or bothering her, but attempting to identify himself.
Perhaps he sought to make amends for things he had done while alive.

She was doubtful, but she agreed to try to test things...to observe and feel his angry presence
when it came over her that evening.  And then, instead of eating or drinking, to ask him what
he wanted...why he came each evening...what they might do to patch things up so he could
move on in peace.   Or, perhaps he was offering to guide and support her...  

Many things are possible...just like in regular relationships.
Only now a person literally has the advantage of hind sight...
Many times we look back on things we wish we had handled in a better way.
Making amends beyond the grave is not so uncommon as people think...

As this young woman worked through her painful memories and made peace with her
grandfather, his personality softened and his visits, now less frequent, felt much better.
Her moodiness disappeared and her eating was back on track again. 
In the end, it was just his way of reaching out to her...to get her attention.  
Once they had established a connection and made their peace, the clues were no longer needed.

In the same way that some people will catch a whiff of lavender or rose for no apparent reason
and come to recognize it as the scent of a grandmother....come to touch in...food scents,urges
and cravings can be a signal that someone you know is trying to reach you.

This is sometimes a useful piece of the puzzle.  
Rather than just criticising yourself when you eat or drink in a way that seems beyond your control
or against your best intentions, you might step back and observe your behavior for awhile.
Listen to your own language.  In this case, she held the key to her own situation in saying that an
angry mood came over her each evening and made her eat or drink.  That was quite literally
what was happening.  She just needed a little nudge to recognize how true her casual words were.

Bear in mind we might also stumble simply because we're tired, stressed, undernourished
or lacking in some important nutrient.  It's good to consider things from different points of view.
The proof is in the pudding, they say.  Try one tool after another until you find the one that gets
results.  
Always be patient and compassionate toward yourself.  There are reasons for everything we do.
It may take a little time and ingenuity to untangle everything and that is alright, too.
We carry a lot of history in these bodies...   They are deserving of our attention and love.

Be Well!