Eating for Two

Recently I was talking with one of my students who is struggling with an eating disorder.
She is a highly disciplined young woman balancing  her college studies with sports pursuits.
During the day she eats fresh, organic vegetarian fare...just perfect for her. 
Yet she seems to have another side that really mystifies and troubles her. 
In the evening a mood comes over her, she says.  She is suddenly angry and brooding.
It happens every night.  She then eats and drinks everything that she would normally refuse.
All of her good efforts during the day are thoroughly undone.
She is frustrated at her lack of self control.  You can imagine the guilt and self blame that follows.

I asked if if she could recall when the problem started and what was going on in her life at the time.
It took a bit to tease out the details.  Maybe 3 or 4 years ago, she said. 
Nothing much was going on...studies, home life, friends...just the usual things.

So then I asked her about the angry mood that sweeps over her. 
Did it remind her of anyone?
Male or female?  Young or old?   What was it that she ate or drank in the evenings?
Again...did it have the characteristics of a man or woman? 
What kind of personality was at work? 

A few moments later, her face lit up.  She absolutely recognized the personality
as that of her grandfather, who had passed 4 years ago.   Everything fit.
Her first reaction was shock and a bit of fear. 
What was he doing here?  He's supposed to be gone, right?  Dead!

I asked her if they were on good terms before his passing...
"No, not really,"  she said firmly.   It seemed that he had been quite a difficult man.
She wondered why he would be bothering her, interfering in her life this way.
As I considered her situation, I asked her to think about whether he might be signalling
his presence in this way. Not attacking or bothering her, but attempting to identify himself.
Perhaps he sought to make amends for things he had done while alive.

She was doubtful, but she agreed to try to test things...to observe and feel his angry presence
when it came over her that evening.  And then, instead of eating or drinking, to ask him what
he wanted...why he came each evening...what they might do to patch things up so he could
move on in peace.   Or, perhaps he was offering to guide and support her...  

Many things are possible...just like in regular relationships.
Only now a person literally has the advantage of hind sight...
Many times we look back on things we wish we had handled in a better way.
Making amends beyond the grave is not so uncommon as people think...

As this young woman worked through her painful memories and made peace with her
grandfather, his personality softened and his visits, now less frequent, felt much better.
Her moodiness disappeared and her eating was back on track again. 
In the end, it was just his way of reaching out to her...to get her attention.  
Once they had established a connection and made their peace, the clues were no longer needed.

In the same way that some people will catch a whiff of lavender or rose for no apparent reason
and come to recognize it as the scent of a grandmother....come to touch in...food scents,urges
and cravings can be a signal that someone you know is trying to reach you.

This is sometimes a useful piece of the puzzle.  
Rather than just criticising yourself when you eat or drink in a way that seems beyond your control
or against your best intentions, you might step back and observe your behavior for awhile.
Listen to your own language.  In this case, she held the key to her own situation in saying that an
angry mood came over her each evening and made her eat or drink.  That was quite literally
what was happening.  She just needed a little nudge to recognize how true her casual words were.

Bear in mind we might also stumble simply because we're tired, stressed, undernourished
or lacking in some important nutrient.  It's good to consider things from different points of view.
The proof is in the pudding, they say.  Try one tool after another until you find the one that gets
results.  
Always be patient and compassionate toward yourself.  There are reasons for everything we do.
It may take a little time and ingenuity to untangle everything and that is alright, too.
We carry a lot of history in these bodies...   They are deserving of our attention and love.

Be Well!

Finding your clues...

Several readers have asked for more information about how these ‘hungry ghost’ problems occur…

How to know if that is a piece of their puzzle…

What to do if you suspect  'hungry ghost' involvement.  

First… take note of when your problem started... 

was it in childhood, young adulthood or later in life? 

Try not to over-analyze at this stage.  It is just fact-finding for now. 

You will, no doubt, have various explanations in mind just the same.  

So go ahead and note them.

For the moment, let's say that those are the stories we tell ourselves.  

Note them, but don't engage them for now.

As much as you are able, leave any blame and self-recrimination on the side.  

It just confuses things.

Make a list of the foods you struggle with.  Notice your patterns. 

Is there a time of day or night when you feel more vulnerable?

What might those foods be symbolic of?  A certain person?  

Something shared?  A need for comfort?

As you assemble the information you will start to have clues to your mystery.

Notice your emotions around your over-eating, bingeing or lack of eating.

Are you experiencing sadness, melancholy, anger, frustration, pity for one's self?   

Are you missing someone?

Do you find yourself eating like a starving person, or eating like a man 

if you are a woman?  Is there a special food or cuisine?

Take time to consider all the subtle aspects that you experience. 

Is there a sense of being pushed from behind or above?  

A sense of something bearing down or overshadowing you?

Is something interfering with your will?  

If so, do you experience it as creeping up on you or suddenly overpowering you? 

Or do you have a sense of something gnawing or craving from inside?  

If so, where?  In  your belly, throat, etc.?

Try to stay calm and objective.  There is no need for fear or shame.  

We are just gathering information.

Keep assembling your clues. 

Is the food or drink characteristic of you and your taste or is it outside 

your habitual food or drink?  

Let's take a look at your personality...  

Are you deeply sympathetic?  A caregiver?  A sensitive?  An introvert? 

Empathetic?  Spiritually inclined?  

Do you often feel responsible for others’ wellbeing and/or happiness?  

Do people seek you out as someone they can confide in or share their problems with?

Would someone describe you as a bleeding heart sort of person?  

Does a loved one or family member linger in your mind?  

For that matter, does someone that you have had difficulties with 

or unfinished business linger or attach?

You might add to this list...

Do you experience several of the above?  

If so, you may be too open and vulnerable for your own good.

We are the easiest targets for a needy one…on either side of life.

We often are not aware enough of who and what is in our energy field 

and how that impacts us, sometimes against our will.

A little awareness will go a long way here…  

Here is an example…  On a trip to England and Wales some years ago, 

I found myself fascinated by the charming old churches that dotted the countryside.  

I like anything old and I wandered through many of the adjacent graveyards, as well. 

I saw people making grave rubbings and I gave it a try myself, thinking nothing of it.

When I returned home to the states, a friend invited me along to visit an old woman 

who she described as gifted.

The old woman took one look at me and exclaimed “Oh my!  You have been visiting graveyards!

You must never do that!”

She was quite vehement about it.  I was a bit shocked and I must admit I did not understand 

her concern.

She went on to tell me that I was much too open and sympathetic by nature 

and that that sort of venture was off limits to me.

Her observation was that a whole group of the deceased spirits had followed me 

back to the states.  

They sensed that I was a tenderhearted person and they attached themselves to me. 

It never occurred to me that such a thing would happen.   

I knew that I had been feeling unusually tired and a bit weepy since my return…

not my usual self.   What she said made sense... 

I gave myself a bit of a shaking, got back into life and made it a point to resist 

all such influences and I was soon back to normal.

Thinking back on it, it’s easy to see how we experience other people’s ‘stuff’ 

without realizing it.  

Their sadness, their stories, their shifting emotions…even their illnesses.  

It is simply their energies moving through us….much like a weather system. 

In the very same way that spending time with a negative person can drag us down 

for awhile, we can experience the heaviness or infirmity of an energy floating 

in our vicinity.

It just happens quite naturally. 

Women and children often have quite porous boundaries…too open, too soft, too yielding.  

Too unaware.

These are boundary issues that we were never taught.  

In fact, if anything, our boundaries have not been recognized or respected

and that has become the norm for us.  

We can get tangled up in all sorts of unpleasantness.

As we learn to erect those fences and put our boundaries back in place, 

we gain control of our lives, sometimes for the first time.

You begin to experience that it is normal and necessary that you have control 

of your body, your life…even your energy field and that nothing interferes inappropriately. 

You learn eventually to keep all interference to a minimum. 

Your life becomes peaceful, especially in your stomach…your emotional brain.