One of the turning points in the struggle with the problem came from an unexpected direction...
By this time, I had tried so many things in an effort to understand and heal myself from the addiction. Everything from affirmations, religion, myriad diets, exercise, fasting, journalling...but I still wasn't getting better.
Then, a novel approach came to me by way of a book written by a Chinese Christian mystic named Watchman Nee. It was suggested that I quit struggling and simply forgive myself and turn the job over to Christ. It was terrifying to think of letting go. If I stopped fighting, I would surely disappear into the black hole of the addiction. The idea of forgiving myself for the awful behavior that I was likely to continue repeating made no sense to me. I hated myself for my weakness and gluttony. I knew I would be a repeat offender. I was filled with self-loathing and shame. So what was the sense of forgiving myself and giving up the struggle?
It seemed so hypocritical...even nonsensical. But eventually, I realized that I had tried everything else...
and none of it had worked.
There wasn't much more to lose. I had run out of ideas. I was giving up on myself anyway.
By this time, I was desperately tired of the struggle.
I started to apply the advice... I 'forgave myself'. At first, it was a kind of make believe statement.
The best I could do was to just mouth the words "I forgive myself for eating the pie" or whatever.
It was hollow and without conviction. But I kept on doing it. Each and every time. I was, in effect, turning my back on my negative behavior. Trying to love myself a little. It still made no sense to me, but i practiced it anyway.
The strangest thing happened as I continued to forgive myself over the next weeks and months.
The compulsions to eat began to diminish. I didn't understand it, but I could feel it. I could observe a change in my behavior. It took an unfamiliar form. Whereas I might have felt compelled to buy and eat a box of doughnuts, I watched my behavior shift. I would buy the doughnuts, but I would leave them on the kitchen counter instead. There was strangely no compulsion to eat them. After a few days, i would discard them.
The compulsions were coming less often and with less strength. That pattern was experienced with each and every binging food. After discarding them 2 or 3 times, that particular food had very little meaning to me. I began to realize that once I reached that stage, I was near the end. Just having it in the house was somehow enough. I did not need to eat it for some reason. In the past, just having the food in the house was enough to trigger an eating binge.
This was a strange new experience. Over the course of about a year, I could see that I was emerging from the pit. It was as if the forgiveness had put some traction underfoot and I was able to climb a little higher most days. Finally, I found that I was largely free of temptation and compulsion. I reached a stage where I was eating normally for the 1st time in many years.
There was a little holdover from the past that I could never quite eradicate, however... 3 or 4 times a year, I was inexplicably 'seized' for a day or so and I found myself back in that precarious state.
But each time, I was reminded to forgive myself, the same as before, and to put it behind me. And that continued to help. I thought to myself that I could live with the remnant. I still puzzled over how this had happened to me, but I was happy to have distanced myself from the worst of it.
I continued like that for several years....a small struggle now, but manageable.
Then another piece of the puzzle came to me...
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